Self Reflection - What I Have Learned In 4 Years

And what am I still learning?

12 March 2013.  The date I started this very short lived blog.  I managed a total of four posts before losing inspiration and feeling like I wasn't "fit" enough to justify writing anything new. 

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when curiosity drew me back here and it became immediately obvious that I'm quite a different person to the girl who created this blog. I quickly realised that my approach to this blog represented a long-term approach I had to fitness and dieting -  the all or nothing approach.

What do I mean by this?

I mean thinking that unless you're doing something perfectly, it's not worth doing at all.

Can anyone else relate to this?  I know you can.  I only need to look back at the comments and DM's I've received over the past 3 years on Instagram to see how much this affects so many of you.  Feeling down, guilty or uninspired as a result of "going off plan" is a relentless theme.

Like many of you, I've been through the same guilt time and time again.  For years, I would go ALL IN whenever staring a new fitness regime only to give up when the pressure got too much.  I'm talking planning three months worth of workouts, buying new workout gear, creating a workout diary, on this occasions creating a blog and dreaming incessantly about the results I was going to achieve.  This would work well until the inevitable "bad day" cropped up and I'd miss a gym session, beat myself up for it and throw myself off the proverbial wagon, straight into a family bag of Doritos.

When it came to dieting, my ability to stick to a plan and then go so off plan that it was hard to believe there ever was a plan, was concerning to say the least.  I had no concept of a happy medium, which resulted in years of self torture and unfortunately sometimes hatred.  During one period of weight loss I refused to eat anything before lunch, having discovered that black coffee was all I needed for energy.  Off to the gym I would go fuelled by coffee and obsession alone.  I'd run 5k as quickly as I could at lunchtime before getting back to the office for a light salad.  In the evening I would miserably eat stir fry vegetables and chopped pineapple.  Obviously this caused weight loss and then I would crack and binge myself into oblivion no longer able to take such a restrictive way of living.

What changed?

Put simply, I knew my habits weren't healthy.  I was approaching a milestone birthday in 2016 and decided I had to change the way I did things.  I knew I need more balance and wanted to focus on being fit and healthy whilst eating as much as possible.  Anyone who has followed me on Instagram since then will know that I followed Weightwatchers and Slimming World in 2016 and 2017 and they helped me get to a healthy weight and stay there.  At that point I was really keen on creating recipes that were low points, or low syns but also full of flavour and decent portion sizes, in the hope it would help others trying to lose weight without feeling like they were starving themself.

I am sure I am not alone when I say I've tried a fair few diets.  I even tried juicing once (DON'T DO IT).  Now I am not going to get all preachy on what you should eat because this is always going to be different for everyone.  It's actually different for me depending on whether I am eating to fuel workouts, eating to lean out or just cracking on with normal life. I am only going to say positive things about Weightwatchers and Slimming World for the simple fact that both of them allowed me to lose a shed load of weight whilst actually eating a shed load of food.  For me though, I can't commit to counting everything forever and quite frankly, the scales are a massive head f*ck.  My sister told me that years ago when she found out I weighed myself everyday and she was right.  It's only the past 6 months or so however that I have stopped being wholly reliant on the scales for my happiness and it's made such a difference.  I'm not saying I have thrown them out, but I don't weigh myself everyday now and I do measure things like inches and body fat instead.  I adopt what I have learned over the years if I know I have had a particularly indulgent time, but mostly I try to eat food that isn't processed and ensure I am getting in some strength and metabolic training.  I like my fruit and veg, but I also like a glass of wine and a pizza too so I refuse to deprive myself of any. 

Weirdly, whilst exercise used to be a chore or something I'd fit in when I could (which was never if I was making excuses), it is now my favourite part of the day.  I started CrossFit in April 2018 and this sounds dramatic but it has seriously been life changing.  I now chase the numbers on the barbell rather than on the scales.  The perks of loving working out so much is that as long as you don't eat like Henry VIII you will change shape naturally.  You'll also feel fitter and stronger.  I have muscles and I LOVE them, even at the expense of a thigh gap.

I run, I CrossFit, I walk, I climb and I do anything I can to get enjoyment from being active.  This includes 13.5km bike rides in Miami Beach in the baking heat for fun.  Let's be real though, I have a busy life and don't always get to be as active as I would like.  I have also been injured and unable to use my arm for 2 months.  This stops me from being as active as frequently or in the way I want to be, but doesn't convince me to quit.  Instead, I adapt, scale and modify workouts if I need to.  I don't fall off the wagon as I no longer consider myself to be on it in the first place.  I am human and if I feel like spending a whole Sunday on the sofa in front of Netflix I'll do that too. 

So what's the point of this post?

Well when I re-read my initial post (here) on this blog I felt I owed it to my former self and anyone else struggling to find their health and happiness groove to say that it is achievable.  Granted it involved a lot of trial and error and it didn't always feel like it was going to plan, but when I look back I can also see how far I have come.  

I've stopped striving for perfection and wish I could have told myself what a difference that would have made at the start.  Beating yourself up for not being perfect is not cool and perfection isn't achievable anyway.  These days, I try and work towards little improvements each day.  This includes recognising when I am having a bad day and doing what I can to crack on with it.  For me, bad days usually mean I need to get to the gym and I always feel better afterwards, but for you it might mean having some time alone, chilling and re-setting.

The name of this blog was inspired by my fear of picking up a barbell in public.  Unbelievably, I now do this on an almost daily basis and absolutely love it.  This proves to me that anything can change and facing and embracing your fears (within reason) is half the battle.  If you are consistent and trying to adopt good habits in respect of your fitness, diet and mental health then you're pretty much there and the rest will follow.

It took me a while, but I have now accepted that the learning never stops.  You might get to your goal weight, dress size or hit a PB at the gym and then want something else.  This is because we are constantly evolving and your habits, goals and actions will naturally do the same.  Embrace the changes and the journey.  If I can do it anyone can.  I'm not the girl who started this blog, but I am certainly happy to be on the road to becoming the woman she was striving to be.